Skip to main content

IBJJF Brazilian Jiu Jitsu American Nationals 2010 - KingofCrazy's Story - Part 1 - A Cautionary Tale

On Sunday, September 26th, 2010, I won the adult medio (middle weight) masters purple belt division at the American Nationals Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament spectacular.  I won three matches by the slimmest of margins, in fact, it would have been difficult to have won with a more underwhelming performance.  I did not perform a single technique.  There were no guard passes, mounts, sweeps, back takes, takedowns, throws, guard pulls, and certainly no submissions.  If there was an open division for lamest gold medal performance spanning all divisions, I would have beaten out even the competitors with nobody else in their brackets.  My matches were video taped, but I plan on destroying the evidence as quickly as possible.  I managed to win, and yet feel great shame in victory.  Sure, my name is emboldened in ibjjf.org’s crappy web site, however, I am crossing my fingers that only a few people saw me compete.  If Helio were alive today, he would be on his way from Brazil to kick my ass. 

I’m sure the three people that read this web site are dying of curiosity.  They are thinking, “KingOfCrazy, how did you manage to win/bore everyone to tears with your unique brand of sloth-jitsu?  Why didn’t you let us know that you were planning on competing ahead of time?  Why don't you know how to tie your belt?”

OK, fine.  I will tell you, but only as a cautionary tale.

About four or five months ago, I knew that the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu 2010 National Championships were coming up.  I had won the blue belt masters division in 2008, and it dawned on me that I hadn’t competed in almost two years. 

Back then, I was eating a lot, and drinking like a seaman on shore leave.  I weighed 190 pounds, a good portion of which was bacon grease and arterial plaque.  I became friends with the drive thru workers at Carl Jr’s, who knew me from my order of #8 bacon avocado cheeseburger with an Oreo Cookie Milkshake.  Yes, I would like some ketchup, thank you, and how was Ricky’s first day of school?  I was drinking copious amounts of ale.  I was fat and happy.  I was smoking cigarettes.  I was abusing prescription medication.  In retrospect, those were damned good times.

But I knew that if I wanted to compete at Nationals, I would have to get my (increasing fat) ass into shape.  I was training a lot, but the last thing I wanted was to show up at the tourney, and not look as hot as possible.  I knew I would be competing (so to speak) against a teammate who played a topless jeans model on TV's Cougartown, so I had a lot of work to do...