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The Top Ten Reasons Why Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Sucks

10 - Injuries:  If you are looking for a low impact sport that you can participate with limited injuries for the rest of your life, I would highly recommend swimming.  BJJ, on the other hand, will beat the hell out of your body.  If you take this sport seriously, you will have a long list of nagging injuries that will most likely get progressively worse until you die an excruciatingly slow and painful death.  Your ears will make small children cry and run away.  You will wince with pain upon standing, sitting, and shaking hands.  Sure, we’ve all seen videos of Helio wearing a gi well into his 90s, however, he knew how to submit his own injuries (one of the key differentiators between Gracie Jiu Jitsu™ and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu), and even managed to wrist lock the icy hand of Death a few times.  As for the rest of us, we can assume that our fingers, knees, backs, and shoulders will be mangled beyond repair before we ever join the AARP.

9 - Cleaning Gis:  They are big, bulky, take a long time to air dry, are prone to smelling bad, and because of our archaic notion of gender roles, it is frowned upon for men to wear pink ones with Hello Kitty patches.

8 - Hang Nails:  I have a pair of nail clippers at home, work, and in the car because the rough gi material rubs my cuticles in the opposite direction, frequently creating bloody hangnails that open up in the middle of sparing sessions and polka dot my opponent’s gi with red spots which leads to juvenile jokes and tittering.

7 - Poorly Groomed Teammates:  Every academy has a couple of dirty motherfuckers who do not wash their gis, clip their nails, stay home when they are sick, seek out medical treatment for their infectious diseases, bath regularly, wash their hands after toileting, and are generally nasty and disgusting human beings that walk around in a cloud of filth and stink.  Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid very close, intimate contact with these nauseating individuals who will catch you on a bad day, mount you, and rain down greasy sweat into your mouth just as you are gasping for a breath of foul air.  Afterwards, your gi is forever tainted with a stench that will permeate everything in your house until you go on a journey with a bunch of Ninikos and toss it into the pit of Mount Doom.

6 - Argentina:  Brazilian Jiu Jitsu originated in Brazil, and Brazil is a South American country next to Argentina, and Argentina is full of whores, Nazis, thieves and paranoid schizophrenics.  It is a seriously awful place where people have no souls.  They are backwards, un-evolved, raving lunatics.   I have to assume that some Argentineans successfully fled to Brazil over the years, and that alone is enough of an ugly stain on our sport that we can never fully wash away until we have hunted them down and evicted them from our ranks.

5 - BJJ Causes Body Image Issues:  Prior to training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I was in pretty good shape with a naturally muscular build.  Seven years later, I am in pretty good shape with a naturally muscular build, and I wake up every morning and spend ten minutes calling myself “Fatty fatty fat fat” in the mirror before taking a shower because I know that if the Shiek called with a last minute spot at Abu Dahbi, I wouldn’t be able to cut enough weight to make it to the Medio weight class without risking kidney failure.  Also, when I see the slightest bulge in the sides of my abdomen, I feel morbidly obese.

4 - BJJ is Full of Brazilians:  Sometimes, prior to grappling with a Brazilian, he will blow his nose inside his gi to clear his nostrils.  This is the South American alternative to the breath right (TM).  In addition to using their gis as hankies, Brazilians are known for cheating as refs, and for being inexplicably bad at running their academies, tournaments, and organizations.  The Brazilians that came to the United States to teach and train are generally the cream of the crop when it comes to the sport of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, however, God endowed them with powers of grappling, not powers of business.

3 - BJJ Has Limited Stand Up:  We’ve all heard that a high majority of street fights end up on the ground, and additionally, if one of the street fighters wants to take the fight to the ground, it will probably go to the ground (because Joe Citizen does not come home after a 12-hour shift at the plant and start working on his takedown defense).  Great.  We can all pat ourselves on the back for making a rational decision to participate in this martial art.  We can also agree that Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, in general, does a terrible job of instructing stand up self defense/fighting.  If I was in a hand to hand combat situation, and my options were knowing BJJ, Wrestling, or Thai Kickboxing, my first option would not be BJJ.  This is tragic because in an ideal world, BJJ would be incorporating the best of Judo and Wrestling rather than teaching people to flop on their backs.

2- Scoring System:  From what I understand, the original scoring system in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was created based on street fighting.  The number of points awarded to competitors relate to the dominance of the position.  In a street fight, if you are mounted or back mounted, you are in deep trouble, so maximum points (4) are awarded.  If your guard is passed, you are in somewhat less trouble, so three points are awarded.  Etc.

These days, most competitions begin with someone pulling guard.  If I didn’t know Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and I was fighting someone in a parking lot who jumped on me with their legs wrapped around my waste like a deranged monkey, my first thoughts would be “Am I being sexually assaulted?  Was this person raised by baboons?  Why did I get into a bar fight over Justin Bieber’s sexual orientation in the first place?”  And then my natural reaction would be to slam the motherfucker on his back and head, which would most likely open his guard and/or knock him out, and then I would then do to him what the U.S. Congress is doing to the American people, and give him a little going away present.

The only way to fix scoring in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is to penalize a person a couple of points for pulling guard.  The only argument I see against this is that Brazilian Jiu Jitsu developed the guard and should, therefore, promote its use.  To follow this argument to its logical conclusion, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu should not strive to be the “best” or “most effective” martial art, but to carve out it’s on unique space.  Judo recently changed their rules to stimy wrestlers and jiu jitsu players from scoring takedowns in their competitions.  It was an attempt to preserve the "Judoness" of Judo matches.  I am sure it will accomplish this goal.  I am sure it will also be a disservice to all people that learn Judo as it will not prepare them for other disciplines.

1 - BJJ is Addictive:  Brazilian Jiu Jitsu sucks, quod erat demonstrandum, yet I am powerless to quit. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well Said!

And yet, we are powerless to quit!